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Saturday, May 18, 2002

The Big Cheese, Part I-Eve Tushnet’s called for a Farm Bill post in the style of a “major literary character.” I’ve got a series in mind based on the standard film-noir private dick. If you have to give the gumshoe in The Big Cheese a name, you could go with Philip Marlow, but it could be Mike Hammer or Dixon Hill, as I’m doing a mock of the standard noir-PI, not Marlow in particular.
The Big Cheese
Act I- Playing Patty-Cake
One of those Republican dames with gams that don’t stop and looks as sharp as their brains comes into my office. She didn’t look to be the type to take the hard money contributions I had in mind, so we got down to a less interesting business proposal. “Let me guess; you’ve got man trouble.” She carelessly pushed back those long blonde locks, leaned back in her chair and said “Not the kind you’re used to dealing with. I’m talking ideological fidelity, not marital fidelity. The Farm Bill is the last straw.” “So this isn’t the first time he’s been playing patty-cake with the Democrats?” “No.” She grabbed a Kleenex off the desk and wiped away some tears from her baby blues. “It’s been building for the last year. Working with Kennedy on education wasn’t helpful, nor was that steel tariff. You can only go so long rationalizing, being the Queen of Denial, saying that he’s making strategic calcuations…” “And you think he’s going liberal on you?” She blew her prim little nose and sighed. “I don’t know, sir. One moment, he’s standing tall, being the guy we sent to the White House, giving us pride in what we can do as a country. The next minute, he looks just like Clinton.” “I don’t think it’s that bad, ma’am. People don’t usually evolve that fast around here.” I bit my tongue, thinking that Ariana Huffington went left faster than a Porsche going downhill. “There’s probably something happening behind the scenes.” “Could you get to the bottom of this?” she cooed. She looked like an easy make who wouldn’t have to worry too much about footing this bill, so I decided to take the case. “This may take some time and some money,” I told her. Little did I know what I was getting into. On to part II

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